Thursday, April 10, 2014

Throw back post?

It's Throwback Thursday, all over social media you will see the pics of the past, reminiscing of  days gone by and smiles of the memories.  I do not usually partake in this little social phenomenon, for a reason I am not entirely clear on but tonight, tonight I took a walk down memory lane.  I signed on to the blog with every intention of trying to fix it up, make it more appealing, more reader friendly.  I am EAGER to attract and hold new reader attention.  I can NOT complete a dream I am chasing without it.  Sadly, I have two TWO followers and well that's not really going to cut it.  So, I sat here and I started to go through old blog posts.  Post after post I read, remembering, reminiscing and sometimes smiling at the writer, the runner or the person that wrote that blog.  We all change with the seasons and it was fun to see how I grew and changed and morphed.  I even went into my old personal blog.  The non running one, the one that existed before I let myself be called a runner.  I read the dark posts, the struggling posts and the most raw posts I have ever written. WOW! What a journey I have been on.

As I sat here tonight and let the words wash over me, I realized it just wasn't in me tonight to redo the blog, to make it better, because well I am just not sure yet HOW to do that.  I am NOT computer savvy.  I do not know my way around HTML codes and visual art stuff, but I allowed myself to get lost in my triumph. The triumph I found when I read the letter that I had written to myself, to my body.  Sarah, over at Run Far Girl, inspired me to write it over a year ago.  In honor of TBT I decided to share it again.  Writing that letter set me free in a way, it got me to stand up and applaud MYSELF to see myself through clear eyes. Not the eyes of the constant fat girl in my head I battle or the eyes of society.  But to see me for ME and to LOVE me.

Dear Body,

For the most part of my 30 years, I have hated you.  At certain points in my life I have loathed you more than others.  I always remember wanting to change you.  To make you shorter, to make you skinnier, to make you curly haired and tan.  I loathed you from the shape of your feet and the size of them all the way to the plain Jane straight as a pin thin hair on the top of your head.  At times I didn't feed you and I hid you.  And then I started to feed you but only the most poisonous of foods.  I forced food into you until you grew and exploded and then I loathed you even more.  I changed your hair color, only wore flats, spent time in tanning beds and on crash diets. 

Then when you refused to work properly and give me what I wanted most in the world I wanted a whole new body, one that wasn't fat and broken and mousy looking.  I raged wore with you on the inside everyday while I held a smile to your face for the world to see.  Then, then just when I thought you were the most useless piece of crap a miracle happened.  You grew my baby girl.  You grew the most precious thing in the world for me two times now.  And while you are yet still broken and #3 hasn't happened yet.  I began to see your purpose.  I began to see that those toes that I hate looked so darn cute on a baby, the weight you were holding on too began to fall off and you were accomplishing all these things that I never thought you would be able to do, your hair is still plain and mousy but now the little girl you made likes to watch you curl it or brush it and it just makes your face smile so bright. 

Dear body I have put you through so much yet you still seem to surprise me with a love and loyalty that I do not deserve to have.  You have withstood the test of time.  You have entered a new decade with me, smaller than you have ever been and healthy as ever.  You can run, jump, squat, plank, lunge, climb and just be.  After all of these years I now have the confidence to wear you proudly.  Rock on body, rock on.  You may not be what I always wanted but you have been what I have always needed.  I am sorry it took me 30 years to realize this.  From here on out you and I are going to be just fine, if only you can give me curly locks....KIDDING!

11 comments:

  1. I LOVE it! Great post. You made me smile, and tear up. I have felt the same way my body, and even now, I have a little bit of a tough time, but I am so grateful for the ability to run, and be fit :) Thank you for this post- such a great reminder :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sarah!!! Thank you for your inspiration!!!!

      Delete
  2. I love this! Running and being a Mama makes me feel like a rock star and to truly appreciate all my body can do too!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I used to hate my body but over the last 20 years of running and giving birth (twice)--I'm amazed at what it is capable of. Working out has made me feel strong and even tho I don't have a model's body, I love the one I'm in.

    Wendy@TakingtheLongWayHome

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny how when we are young and before children we hate our bodies and then the little miracles make us see them through a whole new light, add in the working out and personal growth in the gym or on the road and well we feel pretty bad ass in the non model bodies huh?

      Delete
  4. Girl, you rock, you are such an inspiration to me!! I have struggled with body image years for practically my whole life, and still do for some reason. Running has definitely given me so much more confidence. thanks for keeping it real! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww thanks Sue! I still struggle, I struggle daily but I try to remember I have a little girl (about to be two of them) watching me and learning. Especially, right now as my running went to crap and I now have to stop and the weight is adding back on, I struggle. I am afraid I just wont have the energy or desire to get back out as strong as I was, I am afraid I have seen the best pace races of my life and I didn't acknowledge them, I am afraid, I am going to loathe the post pregnancy body of #3. I still have so many insecurties and I often wish I looked like a runner or could change so much but if I continue to hold on to some confidence I know that one day that mindset will click and I wont wish myself to change so much :) Plus my kids really really do love me, in my yoga pant, pony tail wearing way self!

      Delete
  5. Great post-so many women have the same feelings about their bodies and never learn to love or accept themselves. Having a baby does change how you view your body. It's nice to see you are making peace with yours. Confessions of a Mother Runner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! There are days the war still wages but at least I have my babies now as a reminder to love myself like they love me :)

      Delete
  6. What a great post. I can barely read it without tearing up. I think I have felt some of the same things as you.

    Thanks for linking up to Throwback Thursday, come back in June! :)

    ReplyDelete