Thursday, December 31, 2015

Out with the old and in with the new?

Out with the old in with the new, a fresh start, a new book, the new year is going to be the best one yet, and so the list of New Year's traditional sayings goes on. Then there are the lists of resolutions to be more fit, lose weight, tone up, get abs, run faster and so on and so forth until you end up making a better you or being burnt out by February.

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Except for me for this year. 2015 was my year to FLY and boy did I give it my all.  I tried and I failed and I tried some more with some success.  I love who I am, who I am becoming, who I am starting to to be without over thinking how I am being viewed.  The girl who used to worry about what everyone else and their mothers thought really no longer cares as long as I stick to the core of my values of being kind, helpful and at times funny ( I find myself hilarious and during certain rare occasions other people do as well).  The girl who always goes home and replays what she did, what she said and how other people reacted only does that when I am feeling worn down and exhausted.  It is a trait that is hard to fight but I am doing it and I am learning to just let it go, I really really am.  Which is why with confidence and joy I can announce to myself and have the courage to put in black and white as well my New Year's goal for the year.  While 2015's goal is not smashed by any means I am going to continue to learn to love myself but what I really want is to be present, enjoy the moment and soak it all in.  So for 2016, my goal for myself is to become to comfortable loving myself that I can sit back and just BE.  BE happy, BE sad, BE with my kids, BE alone, BE a runner, BE a wife, BE a mom, BE a friend.  BE anything in the moment that I am in. 

A lot, of my races this past year were run IN the mile I was in.  That is how I got through them.  Just run mile 9 you are in mile 9.  Just run mile 10 you are in mile 10.  And I have decided that that is how I want to live this year.  Just color with kids you are coloring right now.  Just fold this laundry you are folding right now.  Just soak in this laughter that is happening around you right now.  I want to be open and present in all that I do and I want to soak in all of the feelings I feel.  There really are no bad feelings just some uncomfortable ones ;)

So Happy New Year to you all! I am looking forward to being in the writing presence more and looking forward to connecting and communicating with a lot more bloggers in the upcoming year. What is your favorite blog to follow? 

Friday, December 11, 2015

Hello from the Runner Side

Hello?  Hello from the other side.  The other side of running pregnant that is, and the other side of running with an infant, and the other side of running for marathon training and the other side of running with any race at all in my sight. 

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Why so quiet around here lately?  All really great questions and I am not sure that I even know where to begin to find the answers to them.  I just finished up a really great year of racing.  Not great because I am an elite runner with sponsors (I wish every single day that this was the case) but great because I did so many different and amazing races that I never ever thought I would do.  I ran a marathon, yes a MARATHON!!!! I am a marathoner.  I ran in Maine’s most popular race with a sellout time of under 5 minutes and it was an experience like none other. I ran my first ever Ragnar and can’t wait to do that again.  I may be a relay race addict, or become one very easily.  I also ran color runs with my whole family, 5ks and 10ks and virtual races and a half.  I ran with my heart and I ran with grit.  I PRd a 5k AND a half marathon.  I trained and I ran and I ran and I trained and the whole time my little family just kept growing up.

I no longer have  baby I have an 18 month old ball of sweet and sassy cuteness.  I no longer have a toddler, I have a preschooler who reminds me that the time they are dependant on me is so little in the grand scheme of things.  I no longer have a kindergartener, I have a first grader and let me tell you there is a HUGE difference between the two years.  The maturity and the opinions and the all of a sudden little adult like child I have walking around here is mind boggling. 

So I sit here and I struggle.  I struggle with me.  Finding me again.  I struggle with writing and being able to get the words down and out that I want.  I struggle with the passion that I used to have to become a real blogger.  A blogger who actually has followers and readers and gets picked to do reviews has a voice in this world of social media.  I am in a funk.  I became so overwhelmed with not knowing how to even start that I stopped before I started.  I watched as my niche of being a blogging pregnant runner slipped away.  Now, the mother runner of small children is slipping through my fingers and I am in a funk big time.  Who am I as a runner? As a mom? As ME?  2015 was my year to love myself, and while I made HUGE gains in this area I have realized that I don’t quite know who I am anymore. 

Here is what I know however, some day I want to be a blogger, a real one like some of my idols (Run Far Girl and This Mama Runs forCupcakes and Movin it with Michelle, and Taking the Long Way Home to name a few). I am a runner.  I am a middle of the pack, mediocre runner who dreams of inspiring people, who dreams of companies seeing me as someone with passion, kindness and gumption.  Someone that they think represents them well and wants me to be ME while living life.  I know that I am constantly discovering myself and going through highs and lows, through easy times and rough times, where things like writing come easy and where I can sit here for hours and not be inspired to write.  I know I just wrapped up a season of a life time and next year made a small slightly difficult promise of not paying to run any races with my husband.  It is like I traded my soul in on some days but I am determined to keep the promise so that I can run a runcation half in the fall, now only if I could find myself a coach who wants a special project, would rather be paid in cookies or beer and wants to help this mediocre girl go for a dream. 

I am really hoping that by sitting down today and writing about how I am all jumbled up will help with letting more writing flow.  I miss this emotional cleanse of seeing my feelings and thoughts in black and white.  My 2016 goal will be 1,000 miles run and 52 blog posts at least up!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from one Crazy Mama Runner