The "F" word

Nope not the actual F word, but a word much, much worse in my opinion. F.A.T. Fat.  The day that my precious little perfect, squirt of a daughter looked at me and said "Mom, look at this.  Look at my belly it is so fat." Is the day that I got down on my knees and asked God to guide me, to help me to choose my words carefully and to raise a little girl that did not fall prey to societies way of thinking.

I have been there done that.  I grew up thinking I was fat.  Hated my body for it.  Was mean to my body because of it.  To this day, even though I am at my smallest weight EVER.  The driver's license weight I lied about at 16 is now still a lie but because I am smaller than that. My clothes, literally, fall off me yet the fat girl still lives in my head.  And she still likes to yell mean things to me.  She likes to veil my eyes so I still see the fat me in the mirror. She likes to make me think I can wear a two piece then at the last second make me so self conscious I choose to change back into clothes and not swim in public.  These thoughts, these self loathing thoughts are probably the one thing, the most important thing I can think of right now, of mine that I do NOT want my daughter or son for that matter, inheriting from me.  Sure, they can inherit my spontaneous, quirky, adventure seeking tendencies. Or how about my terrible toes, crooked teeth, forgetfulness, procrastination, or the use of the real F word when the time is just right.  But I will do EVERYTHING in my power that the self loathing is not there.

This doesn't mean that I am perfect, FAR from that! It doesn't mean that I wont have days where I slip up and use the F word.  But in my house my husband and I have made a pact.  A pact that will foster healthy self confident building behavior and not unhealthy habits.  We don't use the word fat when describing ourselves, out loud EVER! When we run, work out, stretch, do yoga, hike, bike whatever physical activity we are choosing it is because we are getting healthy and strong.  It is NOT to lose weight and to look good in a bathing suit.  We choose veggies and fruits because they give us the most energy for being able to do the things we want to do. I work REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY hard at this.  Because in the beginning that was why I started working out, but I am slowly really slooooowwwwwly starting to change my opinion of myself, I am trying to change it to the opinion that I want my children to have of themselves.  After all, you should become what you want them to become.  After reading this ARTICLE  that my sister-in-law sent me, this society changing thought process seems even more important.  She sent me the article because she thought of me and how hard I work making sure that my daughter doesn't think this way.

You see my daughter looks forward to Tuesday nights.  It's running group night.  We head out and then come back and add in abs and arms or whatever strikes our fancy.  My daughter LOVES running group night.  She anxiously waits by the door for us to come back and we find her showered in jammies and ready for bed and eager to jump in and exercise with us.  It's a treat, she is with the big girls and we are bonding over shaky muscles and sweat dripping.  But when girls get together we are even more mean to ourselves.  We like to talk about every little thing we don't like about our body.  As I looked up one night in the midst of such a conversation I saw my little girl sitting there ears wide listening and mimicking it all.  I felt sick.  During our next run I spoke with everyone and asked us to all be more careful, more mindful, more loving to ourselves.  And I vowed right then and there to start with me.  I sat down and wrote a letter to myself, to my body and I am getting a bit better at squishing those fat girl thoughts :0)


Dear Body,
For the most part of my 30 years, I have hated you.  At certain points in my life I have loathed you more than others.  I always remember wanting to change you.  To make you shorter, to make you skinnier, to make you curly haired and tan.  I loathed you from the shape of your feet and the size of them all the way to the plain Jane straight as a pin thin hair on the top of your head.  At times I didn't feed you and I hid you.  And then I started to feed you but only the most poisonous of foods.  I forced food into you until you grew and exploded and then I loathed you even more.  I changed your hair color, only wore flats, spent time in tanning beds and on crash diets. 

Then when you refused to work properly and give me what I wanted most in the world I wanted a whole new body, one that wasn't fat and broken and mousy looking.  I raged wore with you on the inside everyday while I held a smile to your face for the world to see.  Then, then just when I thought you were the most useless piece of crap a miracle happened.  You grew my baby girl.  You grew the most precious thing in the world for me two times now.  And while you are yet still broken and #3 hasn't happened yet.  I began to see your purpose.  I began to see that those toes that I hate looked so darn cute on a baby, the weight you were holding on too began to fall off and you were accomplishing all these things that I never thought you would be able to do, your hair is still plain and mousy but now the little girl you made likes to watch you curl it or brush it and it just makes your face smile so bright. 

Dear body I have put you through so much yet you still seem to surprise me with a love and loyalty that I do not deserve to have.  You have withstood the test of time.  You have entered a new decade with me, smaller than you have ever been and healthy as ever.  You can run, jump, squat, plank, lunge, climb and just be.  After all of these years I now have the confidence to wear you proudly.  Rock on body, rock on.  You may not be what I always wanted but you have been what I have always needed.  I am sorry it took me 30 years to realize this.  From here on out you and I are going to be just fine, if only you can give me curly locks....KIDDING!