The Urge

The urge to run of course! As I allow myself to believe that I am in fact a runner more and more as each day, each mile, each goal run passes, this urge gets stronger and more frequent. 

It can strike me at anytime and come from anyone of my senses. I can see a runner or a motivational quote. Heck I can even just see a pair of sneakers or my pile of running attire waiting to be put away and WHAM BAM " I MUST go running NOW!" 

I can smell a storm coming in or the crispness in the air and I want out. I want to be out on the road with every fiber of my being. 

I will feel the way the sun feels just barely warm and my fingers will itch to tie my laces (pink of course always pink! #sweatpink!). 

There are days where I can just taste a good run waiting to happen. It's like my water had special running molecules that day. In fact, it's a whole other blog post but I do believe in labeling my water with good thoughts and its not uncommon for me to have positive words on my water bottles. 

The other day though it was sound. I heard a song. A song that provoked memories. Memories of back in high school, me being the quite reserved girl until you had me on the bleachers cheering for my then boyfriend, now hubby, when he took the mat. How I used to cheer so loud and so full of energy for the guy who was amazingly fantastic at everything he did. Soccer, track, wrestling, president of this and that. It didn't matter he could handle it. He would share with me before a game or a match the songs he used to get motivated and get going.  These songs now when heard immediately take me back.

  They take me back to the years where I watched true motivation unfold. If he wasn't the best it didn't matter he put the work in ALWAYS and was constantly pushing the limits to see what he could do. Oh running isn't enough? Lets invent the National Log Running society and run with an 85 pound log for 12 miles just because we can, lets wrestle up a weight class just because (that day I watched him take first place in that tournament it was awesome!) it's worth a shot. Over an over he inspired and amazed me. 

So it's no wonder when I hear Eye of the Tiger by Survivor that my legs start aching to run. I grew up and matured watching the love of my life push limits and inspire people and that's what I want to do too. Eye of the Tiger takes me back. Back to the time when I learned about effort and sweat and dedication. Which is part of the reason I am the runner that I am today. 

Who am I?

Who am I? Sounds like an assignment from my philosophy 201 class and I wonder if I had been a runner then if my paper would have said something different. 

Not many people have seen completely at ease me. The real me. Not the me who bites her tongue to keep the peace. (At times I am surprised I have a tongue left). Not the me who smiles and nods with everything ok. Not the me who's feelings are hurt and I'm crying and raging on the inside while I joke on the outside. Not the me nervous of making a wrong impression, afraid I won't be liked. Party Christina is as close as some people get to seeing the real me unless you see me when I'm running. 

Running sets me free, it gives me time to think, reflect, feel. Even when I'm running with a person or a group, I'm me. I say things that I would probably keep hidden if not for my feet pounding the road and my pretty pink laces smiling at me. I feel things out there. In fact I often hide the real me from even myself but as the miles pile up and the PRs come in I am discovering ways to keep that me I find when I'm running to stick around after the run. Because running is teaching me that I am enough. I am ME and I am enough. I can't be like anyone else and in fact for all the wishing my body would change and look like a model, a runner, or a hot mom I don't really want it too because well then I wouldn't be me. 

So I am ME. I am:

Mind numbingly afraid of owls, even ones I see in books or on clothes

I am afraid of rejection. 

My feelings are hurt easily, I am sensitive. 

I work really hard on not being jealous and mean. 

I hate being catty but I know that at times I am. 

I love doing things for people. Random acts of kindness are my favorite things to do. 

I love my children beyond words. And can't believe that I am their mom. Those two perfect little people who make my day every morning. 

I am sensitive. Super sensitive which is sometimes hard. 

I think i am funny. 

I love my ears and my birthmark. 

Before kids I used to be proud of my ummm chest but now eh it's not the greatest and that's ok. 

I have a Maine accent but its a small one. 

I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes it's paralyzing. 

I suffer from infertility. Unexplained infertility which means I don't know how to fix it. 

I hate not being able to solve things. 

I like to be organized. 

I am a procrastinator. 

My favorite color is navy.

I love philosophy and Socratic discussions. 

I love being spontaneous and wacky. 

My husband is truly my best friend. He gets me and still loves me. In fact he probably loves me because of all these things I am discovering while running. He has probably seen them all along while I was too busy hiding them. 

These are things that are me. And during tomorrow's run I will probably discover more. I wonder what my marathon training will bring out. After all, that's a lot of miles of discovering I have to look forward too.