Kindergarten?!?!?!

I have an appointment with running.  As I sit here watching my children enjoy the last day of summer, I have found I need this appointment.  You see running is my friend but also my therapist.  I am sitting here with thought after thought running through my head, and tears threatening to fall, yet there is a huge smile on my face.  I need running, I NEED it.

 

Running makes me happy, makes me fit, makes me healthy but it is oh so much more.  Running makes me, me and it helps me to process everything.  When I find myself stressed, anxious, happy, sad, tired, EXHAUSTED mentally and physically running calms me.  It is my therapist that can see me at any time and

any place with no time restraints. 

So instead of calling my real therapist, I am going to make a running appointment.  I am finding myself needing to have a bit of release and some time to pound down my thoughts as my feet cover the ground.  My baby starts kindergarten tomorrow.

Yes, that is right, my little side kick that I have had next to me every day for the last 5 ½ years starts school tomorrow.  I will go from having her with me all day every day to sending her off on the bus and not seeing her til pick up time.  And yes I have read countless blogs this past month on kindergarten moms and the tears and the sadness that accompanies sending them off.  I have also read the blogs on not understanding the sappy moms who are crying over this.  And I have come to this conclusion:

I am muddled.  You see, I feel happy, sad, proud, devastated, anxious, ecstatic, empathy, exhaustion, scared, shy, confused, joy, excitement and so many more emotions that I can’t even pinpoint words for them.

I am so happy and excited and PROUD of the little girl that is going to march into those hallways and learn something, become more of the grown up self she will be some day.  She is so ready for this. And I am ready for her to experience this.  (Can I also mention that I am sort of excited ok THRILLED to not have to be constantly breaking up sibling fights all. Day. Long.)

But I am also scared, anxious and exhausted from the worry.  I am a worrier, it is my nature and I can’t help it.  I actually suffer from anxiety attacks and do really see a therapist to get them under control. But I am worried about sending her off on this great adventure.  I am worried that she won’t make friends, scared she will be bullied or will feel like crying and no one will be there to comfort her.  Not to mention, the extreme panic I feel that I may get a phone call that something bad has happened to her or at her school.  I do not watch the news at all but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have some sort of handle on what is going on.  The world is a scary place and I am no longer the only one protecting her from it.  (Is it too late to home school?)

And I am selfishly pissed that I will have to make time for this new schedule.  I am devastated that I can no longer let my children sleep until they wake-up in the morning.  No more mornings to myself until 9:00.  No more half thrown together breakfasts in our jammies or packing up and going on an adventure on a whim. 

No more lazy days, and not having to worry about being home for bedtime or to make a bus, or to get into the pick up line.  Now I am a mom to a kindergarten.  I will have to live on a schedule.  I will have to wake them up, feed them breakfast and get them dressed all by 8:00 am.  I will have to pack lunches and make sure homework is done.  I will have to have a schedule for dinner and homework and bath.  I will need to create carpool pickup groups and make new friends so that I can let her go to playdates and sleepovers.

My life as a mom that I have carved out over the past 5 years through mistakes and achievements is all about to change.  I am stepping into the unknown.  I will have to learn through trial and error again, I will have to help us both navigate through all of the ups and downs of hurt feelings and new friends.  I am going to have to let her fail (forgetting homework, not being ready for the bus…) in order for her to learn.  I am not sure I am ready for this….

My appointment with running cannot come soon enough.  I will be out there tonight, in the solitude of dusk, listening to the crickets and feeling the changing of the season of the fall breeze on my sweat soaked skin. 

Coming home in the dark to the light of the moon and the soft glow of her bedroom window.  Knowing that I have to feel all of these emotions, embrace them and go in and pack a lunch and set her backpack out by the door.  For in the morning I have to have a smile on my face and a hug ready to go as I see that big yellow bus round the corner to our street.

My baby is growing up and running I need you.

What are you feeling as your kids head back to school?  What are some first time tips you can share with us kindergarten moms?