Measuring Up

Holy hell am I tired of all the measuring. I am tired of measuring my weight which has been stuck at the same friggen thing for a YEAR! No matter what I do I can't lose the last 10ish pounds of my pesky baby weight.  I am tired of measuring my pace and my distance.  Why? Because in my mind it SUCKS. I can not get back to my normal pace and stride and distance and I think this is the reason why I am slowly falling out of love with running.  Each time I go out I am punched in the face with what I USED to be able to do and how I am so so so far from even coming close to achieving it again. I am tired of measuring up against the old me as a mom.  The one who you know, showered, dressed and did things out in public with the kids.  The one that had craft times and learning activities daily. The one that used to wear real clothes and sometimes even went and had her hair done.  The one who remembered things and documented EVERYTHING.  The one who felt like she won more days than she failed.

What is the opposite of measuring?  I am not sure but I am pretty sure that it has something to do with breathing in the moment. Finding the joy in where things are exactly right now. Me being stuck at the same weight means that I am pretty consistent right? It is hard to weigh exactly the same thing for year, so I suppose I am rocking that consistency. Me not being where I was in pace or distance means that I can adapt. I keep going back out even though it isn't the same as it used to be. It takes me longer to go shorter and I am looking around and enjoying the path that I didn't really take the time to before. Me not really wearing real clothes? Yeah I don't know what that is teaching me... I suppose it means I have less laundry and save on water.  I am an supporting energy savings by not running the shower daily, or doing my hair. Not having scheduled craft times and learning activities means we are one hell of a spontaneous circus and it also means my sanity isn't all gone, just most of it. 

So maybe by trying not to measure my life I am in fact bettering it.  I am at a different place in my journey and I need to figure out how to live this part and rock the hell out of. All 150ish pounds of me! After all someone has to lower the bar of the constant perfectness of social media, why not me?

Hi! *wave*

I sat here for a LONG LONG LOOOONNNNG time wondering if I was going to actually do this again.  I have found myself longing to write again and blog again. In fact, I even reactivated my running/blogging facebook page right before the new year with an announcement that something new was coming in hopes that it would kick me back into this little gig that I love.  But it didn't. I think because after all these years of me working on ME and learning to love ME and not caring what others thought of ME that I fell back on the bandwagon of self doubt. When I write I get real, honest and usually ramble-y too and I slipped back into thinking what if no one reads my blog? What if it is the worst blog out there? What if I am made fun of or laughed at? But the calling to write again is LOUD, SUPER LOUD and I need to do this for myself. If no one reads it then so what, at least my stories would be unheard if I ever tell them at a party or something. If people laugh, then so what, at least I exercised there smile muscles for the day. If I am voted the worst of the worsts, then so what, there is always ways to move up.

So here it goes, I am back! I am more me than I have ever been before. I am excited and anxious and all sorts of things as I sit here in my sweats and messy bun during nap time where I could be doing a number of things (working on losing baby #4 weight, yes still two years after having him, or laundry, dishes, vacuuming, to name a few).

Welcome aboard my crazy train.  Things around here are never dull and it is never easy to squeeze in anything for myself.  I have learned though that I need to start doing things *gasp* are you ready for this?... I need to do things for ME! Yes, that's right for myself.  As a mom, me as a person is always shoved to the back.  My needs are last, if I have to eat I do after everyone else is served and fed, if I need a shower I am the one with the cold water, if I need to potty I cross my legs and put everyone else through the line first.  But after having my fourth baby and venturing into a very very dark few years I know deep down in my toes that finding time to do things for ME, things that bring me little sparks of joy are CRUCIAL to running my little circus.

So I have decided to take it up a notch and bring back my little weird love of blogging AND somehow rediscover what it is to run for joy again.  What better place than here to chronicle all my running stories and successes, along with some of my every day mom life stories added in. You know to keep things so real that people just shake there heads and are happy that someone else is having the shittiest day too.  And to maybe just MAYBE motivate some other runners out there for whatever they are training for.

I wasn't always a runner, in fact when I first took up running I couldn't even do a 1/4 mile without quitting and just giving up.  But things change (see here for the beginning of that change!) and I have changed.   I miss the confidence and freedom being a runner had brought me.  I used to call myself a runner, which for the longest time I had a HARD time doing.  I always used to say I run but...not fast, not far, not long, not good.... Then thanks to one cold winter day where, while running it all clicked, I can called myself a runner. Now, sure I am a runner but I need to get back to that cold winter day and to run not because I am training for something but because the road is just calling.

So, my name is C. And I would like to call myself C Runner again.  I run. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a daughter, sister, friend and more.  But most importantly I am me. This is a journey of discovery, because what you discover about yourself while the miles are pounded down under your feet is pretty freakin amazing.  I hope you follow along, and say hi occasionally!

Live, Laugh, RUN