And now we TAPER....

And now, now things are seeming all too real.  I just finished up my last week of real training. And I am officially in taper mode for the next two weeks.  The nerves are kicking in as is the little voice of doubt that lives in my head.  I am doing my best to keep it at bay but I know I am under trained and it knows exactly what to say to strike the fear of a DNF in my heart.

Marathon Training Week 16:

The Miles:
Tuesday ~ 6.5 miles
Wednesday Morning ~ 1.76 miles (then limped and cried home)
Wednesday Afternoon ~ 2.52 miles (first time ever pushing the youngest two while my oldest rode her bike!)
Friday ~ 4.5 miles
Saturday ~ 5.01 miles (Baby Shower and a Birthday party had me splitting the 10 to make time for it all)
Saturday Evening ~ 4.73 miles (again with the hip problem ahhhhh!)

The Routes:
Same ole boring home routes.  Yet I was dreaming of the Newport routes and reliving them in my mind as I ran along.  It was also so amazing to have a route that I could take all the kids on with me.

Weather:
Still below average for the temps! It isn't cold compared to January running but I wish it was warmer.  I would love to have it the temp that makes you just want to run and run and run and run.  I am hoping that it warms soon and that May 10th is a spectacular spring day!

Gear:
Same as ever.  I didn't even use an fuel.  Which makes me a bit nervous.  I do not feel confident in my plans for fueling yet....

Lessons Learned:
What a week this was.  The excitement of being done the toughest part of training and the anxiety of knowing I am slightly under trained.  The fear of a DNF is real, especially after finishing this week with some hip problems.  I am not sure how or why they started but I have now run a few times where I come limping home to ice, rest, and roll taking a day or two off and then testing out the hip again.  I have learned to listen to my body.  It doesn't matter if you have a sitter for the kids, that you inconvenienced them to watch your kids so you could run.  If you are hurting than STOP, come home and just let it go.  I have also learned that there is a difference between sticking with a dream and goal and being stupidly stubborn.  See it is the end of the money and I am close, close to having a 100 mile month.  And you know what?  I have to let it go.  Running an extra three miles isn't going to help me, my hip or my goal of running the marathon.  It is OK if my monthly mileage falls short.  It doesn't make me a real runner to have 100 miles this month.  It makes me a real runner because I know I AM a runner because I run and I am starting to be smart enough about the running to heal some injuries and not just keep pushing through.  Before I was a runner, before I let myself acknowledge that title I would make excuse after excuse as to why it wasn't good to run that day, that night, that weekend.  Today, I fight the opposite battle.  I have to recognize that these are NOT excuses for not running but legit reasons to stop for the day, the night or that weekend.  My body is adjusting to the miles, and still nursing a baby.  It is recovering from a pregnancy and birth and still trying to build endurance.  I am putting it through a lot and if my hip, or back or even soul just needs a break then I need to take it.  I am NOT failing I am growing.

Speaking of taking the stroller out with me, who is going to participate in National Stroller Running Day on May 31st?

Figuring more of me out! Weeks 14 and 15

When things get tough, when I start to doubt, when I feel alone, when I need a hug but can't ask, when I am scared, when I find that there is a chance I may fail.  I hide.  I withdraw and get quiet and lazy with making time to write.  My marathon training is winding down and yet now I am finding it harder and harder to put the training weeks up on the blog.  To write about them. To dig deep and
discover what they are telling me.  I am finding that I am burying them.  Running the miles and then forgetting about my thoughts while out there.  Which is funny.  I just came off a back injury, I am seeing a chiropractor three days a week and I missed most of week 14.  Only getting in two runs, thankfully one of which was a long 16 miler.  I should be thrilled to be back running and sticking with training.  I should be ecstatic that I hit a 16 miler, 16 whole miles with the help of some running friends coming off that back injury yet, I hid.  Following that week, I had one of the MOST enjoyable training weeks.  Nailing every run and finding myself doing it alone.  Just me.  The first time ever going over 10 with out having some chunk of my run with a buddy.  All of this leads me to believe I am way more conflicted about running this marathon than I thought I was.  I need some time to sort things out.

Marathon training week 14:

The Miles:
Wednesday 6.57
Saturday 16.02

The Routes:
Same old same old.  Circles of the local roads that I have been training on for the last 13 weeks.  Up and down the same roads.  I have come to know every pot hole, puddle, dog and most likely area to wave to kids or say hello to someone doing yard work.

Weather: 
Spring for the most part really is here.  It hasn't been super warm but it's been getting there.  Saturday morning I headed out early and was greeted by the chirping birds and the sun. No snow, which was a first for this training cycle :)

Gear:
No changes, although I am having sock problems and am struggling to find a good pair for long distances.

Lessons Learned:
I can make come backs.  Just because I have these little set backs doesn't mean that I can't push
through.  I can run long and I can do it without crying.  This 16 miler was much different from the first one, in fact after it I felt like I could go another 10.  HUGE gains in believing in myself :)






Marathon Week 15 training:

The Miles:
Tuesday 8.01
Thursday 16.01
Friday 9.01
Saturday 3.01

The Routes:
OH MY GOODNESS these routes!!!!! I had an opportunity to travel down to Newport, RI with my husband on his business trip.  I am forever thankful that family and friends stepped in and helped me out with the kids so that I could go.  I woke up Thursday morning kid less and alone with no plans.  I smiled, I knew that I had the whole day before me to run, so why not do my Saturday long run.  I talked with some locals and made a plan.  I set out and just ran.  I ran down Bellevue Avenue.  Home of the Newport Mansions.  The views of these summer "cottages" from the Guilded Age were just breathtaking.  Then I hit the end and turned onto the Cliff Walk.  Those Mansions I just saw the back of?  Yeah I was now in front of them.  Sandwiched between the centuries old houses and the Atlantic Ocean.  I was in pure joy.  So much in fact, I went right back out less than 24 hours later to run the route again with my husband.  I still can't get over those views.



Weather:

SPRING!!!!! In fact, Tuesday's run I ended up in just a tank top and it was so delightful to be down to minimum layers! The long run in Newport on Thursday was just sun and sea and so soul searchingly delightful.  Even the rain on Friday, the pouring rain for all 9 miles was spring like.  The head winds not so much but I was running in the rain on the coast and I was happy.


Gear:
Running alone in a new place, especially after my little "run in" that happened on my own turf Tuesday night I donned an alarm.  A little clip that when removed lets out a piercing alarm.  It was easy to run with, however, I forgot it was there.  Let's just say that I couldn't hear out of my left ear for a few days after I tried undressing.  I forgot it was on and when I took my shirt off it set ripped the alarm off and it went off in my ear.  Fun times :)

Lessons Learned:
I had the strongest week running ever.  Tuesdays 8 miler was beautiful.  I stopped to enjoy the deer, the sun set and the peepers.  (My first official sign of spring!!!) I had a small scare when I was running behind the main road and I was surrounded by three bigger than me high school boys.  My first thought was I can't out run them, my second I should have mace or my alarm on me.  But it didn't take me long to realize that in the dusk they simply thought I was much younger than my years and were actually hitting on me.  Which then sent me back home amused and in awe of the
confidence of high school boys.  Lesson, run in the safe lights and bring alarms or mace.  Thursdays 16 miler was done COMPLETELY alone.  Just me, the sun and the sea.  No music, no conversation.  It was the first time that I had ever done over 10 without having some chunk of my run with a running buddy.  I had the mental toughness to do it.  To stick it out. To overcome fears of being alone in a place I didn't know.  To run blind and "naked"  It was freeing!

Have you ever run in Newport?  I had a total love affair with the routes there and can not wait to go back! 

Figuring it out and then starting over AGAIN

AHHHHHH I am going to say it, actually say it out loud and then hope to hell it is true.  I am pretty almost, certainly positive that training is HARDER than the actual marathon.  Just when you think

you have it figured out, things are going well, you totally have this. Life happens.  Life is always happening.  I am a mom to three, things never ever ever EVER go as planned. And when they do I wait, I wait for something to come up that I hadn't noticed or I had forgotten about.  I am a mom, a mom to three and a runner, there is ALWAYS a wrench.  If someone could see the way my brain worked they would see that all day long every day and actually even most of the night as well my brain is recalculating, re planing, making back up plans and changing this and squeezing in that.  I just never know what I am going to be dealing with at any particular moment.  Headed out the door, everyone is happy, dressed, fed and yet the dog will vomit on the carpet.  Or running on time and someone will have to poop as soon as the last car seat buckle is clipped causing three kids to be unloaded and rushed back into the house to start the leaving process all over again.

This is what happened to my training, LIFE.

Week 12 Marathon Training:

The Miles:

Wednesday ~ 7.06 miles
Thursday ~ 4.03 miles
Saturday ~ 10 miles

The Weather:

Spring is slowly fighting off the winter chill.  It isn't that warm yet but the layers are not as thick and the face masks have come off.  I still ran in snow on Saturday as we joked that it was a long run day therefore, it would snow.  And it did.  Just spitting snow but snow none the less came from the sky.

Routes:

Absolutely nothing new.  In fact, I have gotten really into the same loop that I will just do multiple times.  It has some good hills and is mostly traffic free.

Lessons Learned:

This week was my come back week.  The kids were really sick and I fell victim at the beginning of the week but nothing too drastic.  I had a hard time balancing it all and therefore the house fell victim.  And by that I mean it was a complete and utter disaster.  Laundry, although clean, was piled high on every surface.  We pushed everything aside in the family room and set up the bounce house.  The kids had been going crazy for outdoor play but with the temps and the ground still covered in snow it was a great option to bounce the crazies out. Dishes are slow to be done.  Often resulting in me doing breakfast dishes at lunch and lunch dishes at dinner.  It was honestly, a disaster.  Which means of course that it will be seen.  I was so fortunate to have a running buddy for Saturday's snowy

long run that I got up, fueled up and hit the road to meet up with her.  Our loops however lead back to my house for some water and a bathroom break.  Here is the lesson I learned: Your house is a disaster, a war zone, and yet as a runner you open the door for another runner to come in without even blinking.  My husband later showed me video of what the house looked like when she came in to use the bathroom.  He was embarrassed and couldn't figure out why I wasn't.  I simply said "she's a runner, she gets it".  Had it been anyone else and I probably would have loaded the van and went into hiding.  Joined the protective witness program.  But when I apologized she said "you have three really young kids, you amaze me by even being out here training."  It hit me right then and there runners accept other runners in all their disaster filled glory.

Which leads me into,

Marathon Training week 13

The Miles:

Monday ~ 6.57
Tuesday ~ 4.57

The Weather:

Pretty darn perfectly gorgeously the beginning of spring.  I even ran in shorts one evening and the sunsets and birds and melting snow was just wonderful.

Routes:

The same old same old.  However, I have recently roped another friend into running and the route takes me right by her house so I have been picking her up and running with her a bit before dropping her off and continuing on.  It makes for more interesting runs and I absolutely love company.  I am much more a group runner than a solo one.

Lessons Learned:  

Life happens.  After feeling confident in my new plan, missing one of last weeks runs due to sickness and feeling OK with it all knowing I was going to rock this week and take on 16 miles again, hopefully better than I had the last time, I wasn't prepared to be knocked off my feet.  Literally.  My back went out while cooking lunch on Wednesday.  I was literally brought to my knees.  I could not move, walk, laugh, lay, stand.  I was in pain.  Terrible pain.  To be honest it is the beginning of training week 14 and I am still unable to walk straight and have yet to run.  I should be panicking, stressing, worrying about not being trained enough.  Yet I realized, something.  A few weeks ago I
read a blog where she had said it is better to be under trained and to tackle a challenge than to be over trained and injured.  That has clicked with me.  I know I will be back.  In fact, as soon as I feel like I can handle running my chiropractor told me to go for it.  I know that I am going to put my best into this training.  It is hard, it has been hard.  The winter training, the learning curves, the discovering of me and how far I can go.  It has all been hard.  It has been hard but I have been training.  I may not be text book trained.  But I have heart, I have dedication and I know what it feels like to push through. Just like I now know what it feels like to stop and rest.  I know that I can do this.  I can finish up these last 4 weeks.  I know I can go to that start line with the training I end up with and rock what I can.  I also know that I can and will pull out if I have too.  Although, right now my fight isn't up yet.  I still have some time, although not much ;)

Friday Five!!! Let's talk about food.

This Friday (yay really thank goodness Friday is here!!!!!), I was hesitant to link up with the DC Trifecta of You Signed Up for What?!, Mar on the Run and Eat Pray Run DC to talk about Five Favorite Spring time Foods.  Why?! Well, because I am not the best cook or meal planner.  My family is not all organic, paleo, vegan or any of the other hot topic food lifestyles.  We eat what is best for us and I cook it the best that I can.  With that being said, I wasn't going to write this Friday until sitting home with sick kid #2 while baby was napping I realized I do actually have something to write about.

Let's talk about boobs food.  Baby food or well more specifically breast feeding a baby.  Breastfeeding a baby in particular while training for a marathon.  While I was pregnant I wrote a few posts on running pregnant and "how to" do it.  I am by no means a doctor, a nurse, a lactation consultant or a medical professional in anyway.  I am just a mom, a runner and a breastfeeder.  I am not backed by any studies just what I have personally experienced.  Running while pregnant means you change up your training, your routes, your pace.  But having the baby and getting right back to where you are is not likely going to happen.  It took you 9 months to grow that baby, give your body time to get back ESPECIALLY if you are breastfeeding.  By breastfeeding your precious little energy sucker  bundle of joy your body is still not your own.  You are your babies nourishment and comfort.  Your body is producing food for your baby holding on to certain pregnancy hormones and trying to find a balance.  Running while doing this is EXTRA.  Your body is supporting the baby first, then you and then with that is left running.  So be kind to yourself, don't push yourself too hard or punish yourself when you feel like you aren't getting your pace and endurance back.

Here are my 5 tips for running and breastfeeding.

1) Hydration/Nutrition/Sleep: You have a new baby, you are training, YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN and you will constantly be hungry.  Your body produces milk by taking the energy you put into it.  It is important to make sure that the calories you burn by running are replaced.  Getting adequate quantities of good fat, high protein food is important to keep your milk supply up while you train.  I feel like I am constantly eating.  Like starving all.the.time!!!! Almonds are my go to and ice cream is my staple night time snack ;) Hydration though is KEY! Drink DRINK DRIIINKKK (and no I am not frat party chanting).  Breast Milk is mostly made up of water.  Your body needs the water. Drink the water! Sleep yeah right, you won't.  But trying to is important.  This one I have yet to figure out since I run when the baby naps or late at night but one day I will sleep again I am sure ;)

2) Pumping/Nursing/Timing: Ahhh the timing of when to go out for a run, or to pump for it.  It is a constant battle of juggling.  I usually am always dressed and ready for a run since my running clothes are most comfortable.  I never know when the opportunity to run will present itself.  Usually, I run at night after I have put the baby to bed (for the first time).  Or I run during nap time if someone else is home.  But I always plan it so I can nurse the baby right before I go.  I either nurse and then transfer a sleeping baby, or nurse and then hand the baby off to Daddy to rock while I run.  This helps in two ways.  The first, it means you have the most time out there.  Usually at least an hour before you will have to nurse again (hello cluster feeding!).  Making the most of that time between sessions but it also means that you will have drained your milk making it as comfortable for you as possible too.  If I leave in the morning before the baby wakes I make sure to pump completely before I go.  Leaving enough milk for the baby to get what she needs and also again draining as much as I can for comfort. Hand pumps are great to have with you on race day too.  Often times you have to be there so early that it will allow you to pump right before you run if baby isn't there to feed.

3) Sports Bras: You need support.  In so many many different babies when you are trying to be a new mom, feed a baby and train for a race.  However, you literally need THE support.  Your boobs will be heavy and MUCH larger.  Especially, at first.  They are going to hurt and be uncomfortable but if you have a good supportive sports bra or TWO then it makes it much easier.  I have found that when I was training for my first half right after #2 was born that I had to run in THREE, yes THREE bras.  It was hot and a tad uncomfortable but it was what worked.  Coming into the finish line after my first 13.1 miles completely soaked from the never ending rain and exhausted made getting those three bras OFF as I was handed my medal and a baby who needed to nurse a tad tricky.  After, that fiasco I found Moving Comfort.  Not only do I only run in one bra now (and have the entire 9 months of nursing baby #3) but they clasp in the back making taking them off easier AND the straps actually are adjustable by amazing Velcro so it is possible to just take one side down and nurse a baby whether I am coming in from a training run or ending a race.

4) Routes: Routes will be important to plan.  Either for the ease of getting to (like right out your front door), so you can get right to running and not spending all of your precious time between nursing sessions traveling to your running route.  OR so that it will be easy and some what quick for you to come home if you are needed.  Babies eat on a schedule for the most part around 12 weeks BUT they can always throw a wrench in the mix and wake up early and be STARVING.  More than once I have been called home from a run to nurse a baby.  Sometimes I nurse the babe and then head right back out and sometimes I just call it a day.  I never know if my run will be a mile or 5 miles.

5) Flexibility: Just like when I was pregnant, it is not ME dictating my runs.  My body doesn't really belong to me during pregnancy or breastfeeding.  It is used as a source for nutrition and growth for my little miracle.  Which means I need to keep an open mind with planning my training or hitting the road.  My 10 mile run may have a phone call at mile 2 alerting me to a hungry baby.  Or my 1 mile me time may turn into a 5 mile vacation when the baby decides an extra long nap is good. I may only have time for 3 training runs that week not 4.  If you can roll with the punches, adapt to whatever schedule your baby puts you on for that day then you will find it easier to stay on top of your running.  Not expecting too much makes for an absolute thrilling feeling when you realize you can do more. :)

So here is the deal.  Can you train and breastfeed?  Of course if it is what YOU want.  If your baby is thriving, your supply is keeping up and you are happy then go for it!

What are some tips for breastfeeding and running that YOU have?  

Week 11 ~ $h!T$ GETTING REAL

Oh wow, time seems to be flying (the opposite of my pace, especially lately). Like really flying.  I just completed the 11th week of my 18 week training plan.  Did I hit all the scheduled runs? NOPE.  I was in a sort of funk after taking the recovery time and to be honest this run in anything Mainah just didn't feel like getting out there that much in this unfair cold start to spring? Really?  It is spring?  Because the 40 mph winds and the single digit temperatures are doing a fabulous job at hiding the turn of seasons.  But this week there was a major break through in more than one way.  Although I didn't hit all the scheduled miles, I did attempt AND complete the 16 miler.  I overcame some SEVERE mental challenges and I was completely and utterly OK having "failed" my training this week.

Marathon Training Week 11:

The Miles:

Sunday ~ 3 miles (run TO boot camp, not my smartest idea....)
Wednesday ~ 8 mile bike
                       2 mile run (Does that mean I did brick work?!)
Friday ~ 4.6 miles (.6 was with my mini)
Saturday ~ 16, yes 16 FREAKING whole miles!

The Weather:

Cold, windy and totally not spring like. OR you can say it was LION weather as my son liked to announce every morning. "Looks like today is more lion weather mom"  Yep, no kidding when will the nice, soft, fluffy, gentle lamb be making an appearance?  This rate probably June.  Which means, suck it up buttercup, you will be running your marathon with the lions!


Routes:

Well Sunday I did some what of a new route, making small laps down all the side streets on my way to boot camp. (Yeah so not a good idea....).  Wednesday, boring gym route.  Where I got a kick out of naming all the "hamsters" around me.  Friday, I actually did a loop that I normally will only do with a buddy.  There is one road I just hate running alone it gives me an unsettled feeling of being out too far by myself but I actually found I liked this route.  Ending at the school to walk my daughter home was the highlight of that one.  (Will she ever care that I pick her up all sweaty and wearing spandex?  Probably but no signs of that yet.  So far only her Dad has embarrassed her.) Which leaves me with Saturday's route.  Honestly, no freakin clue where I went, I just went.  This way and that way.  Over here and over there.  This road again? Sure why not.  Until I heard the glorious sound of the Runkeepr App voice announce 16 miles were done.  What the heck who am I kidding.  The last 6 miles were pretty tough and I was watching that app like a hawk counting down each and every 1/10 of a mile.

Gear:

No actual PHYSICAL gear was added.  However, boot camp and brick workouts were.  I have decided to really up my game strength training wise.  I need the extra help breaking mental barriers and the strength to just keep going when I just want to quit.  I didn't even get to use any of my "spring" attire.  I am still out there all bundled up in layers.  The foam roller too is making many appearances.

Lessons Learned:

Oh boy!  What don't you learn from running?  This was the week when things got real.  I had to let go of nailing every run, every mile.  I had to accept that I didn't or couldn't do it all.  For me, that is a hard truth to swallow.  When I do something, I DO it.  ALL of it, every last bit of it.  This time, with this training and this goal I am learning that I CAN"T.  Yep, I can NOT do it all.  All I can do is my very best and I think for me that learning the lesson that letting a run go, or a mile go, or cross training with the bike does NOT mean I am failing.  It means, I am growing.  I am growing as a runner and I am growing more love for myself.  I am listening to my body, adapting my plan as I go for the needs I have at the moment.  This is a dream for me and it is not made up by the number of miles I can churn out but by the lessons I learn along the way that grow me into who I want to become.  Speaking of adapting, at the end of this week I took my training calendar off the wall and I

changed it.  Yep, I CHANGED it up.  I CHANGED my plan.  It is basically the same plan but it is now a plan that will hopefully work better for me and help me reach my goal of finishing a marathon.  I know my time will not be the greatest, or even good in most people's books.  I won't look all fancy out there BUT I have learned that I need to change things for ME and embrace what I can do with what I am giving.  Being a mom to three means my "me" time is limited.  With this training schedule I miss my husband and my kids and the family time.  By tweaking my plan just a little I am hoping that I can fit it all in and find myself being able to squeeze in more of the lazy unpredictable family time.  Oh and the biggest lesson I learned this week?  I CAN! I can put one foot in front of the other.  I can cry and breakdown and keep going.  I can force the voice in my head to be WRONG.  I CAN KEEP GOING! I can be proud yet battered and bad ass yet weak.

Oh and also NEVER EVER EVER run to boot camp UNLESS you know for sure you can find a ride home ;)

Have YOU ever changed a training plan in the middle?  Do you think it can help?

Week 10? Maybe?

The weeks are starting to blend into each other and I am believe it or not losing track?  How is that
even possible?  I do believe that I just finished up week 10 though and did so on mostly rest.  Having a foot problem and being somewhat injured had me sidelined after last weeks 10 miler.




Marathon Training Week 10:

The Miles:

Wednesday ~ 3 mile WALK
Friday ~ 8 mile BIKE
Saturday ~ 8 mile RUN

The Weather:

Oh my gosh the weather was NOT even fair!!!! I wanted to throw a big ole tantrum about the weather all week.  After getting out there in ice, snow, rain, blizzards, double digit wind chills and

temperatures ALL damn winter long, this weeks little spring tease was absolute torture not to run in.  I mean TORTURE!!! I live in town and because of that my road is a route that is used a lot for runners and walkers.  Watching all the fair weather runners running with HUGE grins on their face in the warm sunshine was almost enough to completely drive me over the edge. Almost, I mean I was happy for THEM, happy they were out and moving BUT I wanted to be out running too damn it!!!!

Routes:

Well the bike route was boring gym views and I tried to watch TV but I really wasn't interested at all in the show on in front of me.  Some TLC show about virgins I think?  But I just kept my head down
and got it done as fast as I could, focusing on my pretty new kicks! When I did get out for Wednesday's walk it was just around the neighborhood, dropping my daughter at school and then meandering around until putting breakfast off for the other two was no longer an option.

Gear:

Bike.  Yep I went to the gym and I biked.  It is MUCH harder than I thought it was going to be.  I grew bored by mile 3 (12 minutes in?).  And WOWZA was I sore the next day, sitting was something I did only if I absolutely had too and I did so ever so gently.  I have decided that I am going to replace one run a week for the bike though.  It was a great way to stay moving and give some of my running muscles a bit of a break.  Cross training IT IS IMPORTANT!!!!! Foam Roller, really enough said.  I used it and I used it alot.  I tried for three times a day or more.  I discovered that I really do need to stretch before and after and roll roll roll.  I can't just go out and pound out the miles and then not take care of my muscles for treating them that way.

Lessons Learned:

 Rest is important.  Rest is needed.  It is OK to not run every single mile you have listed out in your training plan.  It was hard for me to watch the week go by and the miles go along with it.  I didn't get to put little hearts around the mile # this week indicating that I completed them.  But I learned that
really truly listening to your body is the way to go.  My foot is absolutely fine now and I think I avoided a major problem by giving myself that week off.

Honey Do you Need a Ride?

One night on Facebook, I stumbled upon something pretty awesome.  A book club, a virtual book club.  A book club that was going to read running books.  Hell ya I was interested, I was hooked actually.  I am so extremely excited that Wendy from Taking the Long Way Home had this genius idea.  We are doing a Book Club/Blog link up where we review each of the books.  I was excited and I dived right into the first book, Honey Do You Need A Ride? Confessions of a FAT Runner by Jennifer Graham.

From page one, I was into it.  The author has a great way of making it seem like she is actually talking to you, getting you to think about things and several times I found myself actually responding out loud.  Head shakes, hmmmm mmmm, and WHAT?!.  Those were my top responses throughout the whole book.  I found myself, cheering for her, sort of hating her and waiting and wanting to know what the hell happened next.  There were a few times that I was super interested in what she was saying, hanging on every word and just like me she has this tendency to get side tracked and boom random and other words and thoughts were coming across the page.  I wanted to interrupt and say no no no go back, finish the other story I want to hear about what happened.  Go back in THAT direction.

Jennifer is real and witty and I found myself chuckling in truths.

"Don't get me wrong.  I love to run.  I'm good at it, and I can go on forever.  The spirit cries "gazelle." But the shadow yells "walrus." It blows me up by at least twenty pounds."

How true is this?! For me anyway so very true.  I have NEVER looked like a runner, hell I don't really even look like I work out.  You know the whole "Fitness" craze on social media? About "Fitness this whole burger, pizza, cake, pie in my mouth?  Yeah I am more along the lines of that is how I role fitness style.  Except is that the truth?  I do not know how people actually see me, only how I see myself and like Jennifer I have ALWAYS seen myself as a fat runner.  Why?  Because I am was that fat girl.  You know the nice one, the one with pretty eyes, who blends into the back ground of all the gorgeous gals out there. That fat girl never really goes away.  103 pounds lighter at my lightest (right now I am about 15 pounds shy of my lightest) and I still see that fat girl, hear that fat girl and hide that fat girl.   Here though is where I find some issues.

I have been working HARD and by hard I mean the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life, this year.  2015 is the year I will FLY. (Finally LOVE Yourself).  Loving myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I AM worth it.  I need to stop seeing myself as the fat girl, the slow runner, the mediocre mom, the unorganized, poorly dressed hot mess and I need to embrace me for ME.  I need to get rid of these images that I have given myself, let them go.  I need to look at myself and see perfection.  I am perfect and absolutely wonderful.  I am perfect for ME.  This challenge has been tough and I it has been getting easier and easier until near the end of the book I realized that, the author was feeding into my self loathe.  I was starting to hate my body and the way it looked.  Hate my pace and my non runner clothes.  Especially when I learned  that Jennifer is about what I weigh.  Just a few pounds separate us, and her pace? Her pace is the same as mine too (faster right now in fact).  I put the book down and I thought.  Here is this wonderfully funny, talented author and if she thinks she is fat and slow then being about the same I must be too?

I put the book down.  I didn't want to read anymore.  I didn't like how all of the things I have been working so hard on were flooding back and making me doubt myself again.

Then, I picked the book up.  Jennifer writes so well and has a way of just capturing my attention, that I must finish.  I need to know.  I am glad I did, because in the end I realized that Jennifer is more like me than I thought.  She too does battle with that fat girl in her head.  (Because after a google image search I can assure you that she is NOT fat).  But you know what?  Just like me Jennifer is making progress towards dreams and goals.  Towards loving herself and finding happiness.  She ran around that lake, that lake symbolizes so much.  It symbolizes pride in achievement and goals and dreams and basically a big ole middle finger to anyone who thought that you couldn't.  Because YOU can.  You can run the lake, or the half marathon or you can FLY!

"I've been thinking I haven't achieved anything because I haven't lost any weight, but there it is. A sense of achievement that didn't come from my children, or my writing, or my oft-admired ability to remember birthdays.  A sense of achievement that comes from the simple fact that I run."

Overall, I highly recommend this book.  It is well written and witty and speaks to the soul.  When reading it you are not reading words but having a conversation. You are listening to a funny yet soul baring story of a woman, a mom, a runner who is learning to love herself.  Who hasn't yet shaken the fat girl in her head, but has added in some other inspiring voices of motivators with her dead running coach and beloved Dr. George Sheehan who is also deceased.   I found this comforting because I too have full blown conversations in my head and it means I am not along in this or truly crazy.

I found myself, wanting to meet Jennifer, to run with her and stand with her while cheering for the Boston runners.  I want to have ice cream with her and swap stories.  But most of all I think I want to have her take me to the place she goes for her Runner's Revenge massage.  Now, that is something that I am afraid I need :)

Oh on a side note, I found out that Jennifer too, runs in more than one sports bra and that there is actually a runner term for that: Double Bagging. (Sometimes I find myself Triple Bagging and it is terrible!) You learn something new every day!

How about YOU?  Have you read this book?  Or any other great running books that you would recommend? Want to join in on the blog book club link up?